Holding
by Ennixeve
Summary: Sequel to "Watching." Tag to Mind the Baby, John and Aeryn reflect.


Disclaimer: They're not mine, this is not for profit, please don't sue me, I just love the show.

Rating: G

Spoilers: Minor ones for Nerve and The Hidden Memory

Setting: Early S2, (Tag to Mind the Baby)

Authors Notes: This is my second fic, it is a sequel to my first, "Watching."  Please give me feedback.  Huge hugs and thanks to Minh, she is amazing.  Thank you again Minh!!

Holding

I sit in the arms of this man and it feels so right.  We talk about how people can change; I know we both have. 

Sometimes it's so difficult.  I've kept everyone at a distance for so long.  Peacekeepers are trained to fight and die, not to care and connect with each other.  There are no rulebooks when it comes to friendships, no-one to tell me what to say or do, no-one to teach me how to act or what to expect. Everything is new.  That's what makes it so hard.

My past relationships have been so painful, so empty.  I always knew there was something missing, but it wasn't until I met this man that I realised what.  He cares about me, all of me.  To him I am not just another way of reducing tension; I am more than that and I don't know what to do with the way that makes me feel.  Sometimes I get so angry with him for making me feel like this.  I feel weak and out of control and I _hate_ that!  Why does he make me feel like this?  What makes him different from other men I have known?

I was always so independent.  I was strong enough for myself - I didn't need anyone else to support me, I didn't rely on anyone but myself.  That was my way… the Peacekeeper way.  But now, I am no longer a Peacekeeper, and it seems that is no longer my way, either.  I have come to rely on him, perhaps more than I'd like to admit.  It is so easy and natural to sit in his arms like this, to feel so safe and protected.

But this is weakness: to need someone else, to feel for someone else.  In battle it distorts your thinking and judgement, and affects the safety of the entire crew.  No, it is better to keep the distance between us… better for both of us.

I start to move out of his arms when I am reminded of something someone once said to me: Will you take the easy way or the hard way?  To walk away now, that is the easy way, but to stay and deal with the situation, that is the hard way.  Which way will you choose?

Things are different now.  I am no longer a Peacekeeper and we are not in battle.  My head has ruled my heart for so long, it's hard to change, but I have changed and I can see that he needs me.  Maybe I need him.  The last few weekens have been hard for him, hard for both of us.  He risked his life to save mine, posing as a Peacekeeper, being captured and tortured by Scorpius and Crais. I forget how much he has been through.  On the outside he deals with it so well, but I know, I've seen the pain and fear on his face, in his eyes.  It's not just the recent events but everything that has happened in the past cycle.  He has come to rely on me and I cannot, will not let him down.

Maybe its time to listen to my heart.

~*~

  
I sit with this amazing woman in my arms, savouring every microt.  Moments like this are few and far between, but I guess after today's events she is just too tired to keep me at a distance, for now anyway.  She is so beautiful, so strong, so independent, and we have grown closer over the past few monens.  I have even come to rely on her, but still she won't let me in.  She has so many "issues"- she can't let her barriers down for anyone, not even me.  It will take time, I guess, to build her trust in me.  She is so confident on the outside, all the world sees is an badass ex-Peacekeeper, in total control, confident and self-assured.  But I know that inside she is fighting an ongoing battle between her upbringing and everything the Peacekeepers hammered into her, and whatever it is she feels for me now.  Inside she is in turmoil, scared, confused, insecure, and the worst part is I can't do squat to help her.  She has to work it through on her own.

I think I'm falling in love with her - this beautiful, amazing, complicated woman.  She is all I think about and the thought of her hurting is killing me.  I wish she knew how much I care about her, but I can't tell her.  She isn't ready to hear that yet.  As much as I want to say those three little words, I can't, she isn't ready.  All I can do is be there for her in whatever way she wants, and to cherish moments like this, as I hold her safe in my arms, holding her, holding me, holding her.


End file.
